dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
