i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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