Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
