Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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