then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize