I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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