Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
