My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
