my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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