also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
