So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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