I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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