It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
