Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize