my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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