Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
