Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
