when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
