She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I want a musical about memes.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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