I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
