I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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