I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
