my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize