I cockslap morals
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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