just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
