I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize