I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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