Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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