He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
