You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
