Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
