I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
