she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
