They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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