mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
