There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
did i just pee glitter
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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