i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
