we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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