i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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