Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
