I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
