Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
