I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
