I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
