So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize