how can u be prego again
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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