I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
