Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
