he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
