If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
