just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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