I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
