if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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