And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
