I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
