Christians are straight up FREAKS
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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