im about as happy as oj after his trial
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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