I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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