Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
