4 words: hood of his car
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize