i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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