Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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