i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
