so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize